DracUlar
by Randomised
Summary: Draco and his incredibly cute butt are turned into a monster. Dum Dum Dum! And an extra Dum for luck. But will he give in to the temptations to feed on the blood of a certain well known boy? And his cute butt. I don't have a butt fetish, honest.
1. Default Chapter

_New fic! Different from my others, but still slightly nuts. I don't own these freaks._

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**Chapter Uno** (one)

A bitter breeze floated through the open window to the young wizards bed. The pale satin sheets weren't quite covering his torso, and he was slowly wriggling about, the moonlight shining softly on his fair skin making him look almost blue. "He looks like a bloody smurf!" A passing witch on a broomstick hit the intruder and flew off. But it wasn't long before another turned up.

"Draco, Draco," a soft voiced shadow coo'd through the window. Draco shivered as he subconsiously heard his name, blissfully dreaming about the next issue of Cosmo Girl, and all the fashion tips he could share with his friends. The voice continued its attempts in vain. The boy was obviously a deep sleeper. "DRAC-OW! Ok, who throws shoes?"

"Oi, keep it down out there, you're ruining the mood." yelled a greasy sounding voice from the dungeons, backgrounded by the distictive grunts of Hagrid, saying something along the lines of "Oh, Sevy baby". The shadow shuddered uncontrolably for a few minutes, and passers by thought it was a dance and joined in. That horror was far worse than any of his past experiences, and he had seen a Cheeky Girls concert.

"Fine then, I didn't want to resort to this, Pinkalompha Galoraphobia!" The shadow's wand let out a stream of pink flashes and a few stars thrown in too for good measure. This was the most dreaded, most evil form of magic, known only as Queer Magic. Draco's peaceful wet dream was skillfully invaded by little pink ompalompahs with large downstairs departments, attempting to jump on him and give seductive lapdances. He woke screaming, either mentally scarred by the horrors he had the misfortune to witness, or he was upset it was over. He instictivly looked in his bedside mirror to check his trademark platinum blond hair, only to find, to his horror, that it had been turned a sickly (yet stylish) luminous pink.

"Knew I shouldn't have gone for the cheap dye job."

"It was I you fool!" The voice turning harse and raspy, weezing every few words.

"Gosh Sevy, kinda kinky, come on in, big boy." he replied, keeping his eyes on his dazling beauty.

"No, your Sevy seems to have a new boy toy, one twice his size, in more ways then one. Trust me, I should know. I am the all mighty Bartattacusdilfa III. But you may call me Barry. No, make that Mighty Barry." The shadow smiled revielling the tell tale vampire trademark of blood tipped fangs. This made Draco wonder how he had missed them, fearing he was becoming like the people on the boat at the begining of Pirates of the Carribean when they didn't see the burning boat for ages, and it just seemed to apear in front of them, even though the fog couldn't have been that thick, since the fire would have shown alot earlier, that was a great movie. He then proceeded to fantasise about Johnny Depp in a pirate costume. Something he had in common with the author.

"Yummy."

"Ehem?" Draco noticed the vampire was tapping his foot on the window sill. And in a bored, unexcited voice it ordered, "Follow me." Draco did obidiently, knowing he would lose his pretty pink hair if he didn't. He needed it for the halloween dance, to match his Little Bow Peep costume. He decided he had to make use of it while he had it. By the time the two had reached the centre of the Forbidden Forest, Draco was dressed like a drag queen, his hair was full of multi coloured curlers and was using all his brain power considering which eyeshadow matched it best.

"Hmm, passion pink, or fruit punch?"

"Silence! Or a quiet whisper, whichever suits you best." Draco hastily pocketed his make-up and turned to see the one and only (with the exception of a few lookalikes), Lord Voldermort. Draco took a few steps back, embarressed for his appearence.

"So, Malfoy Junior, never guessed you to be a cross-dresser. You really are just like a Dark Wizard. I too have a weakness for womens lingerie. As well as those gorgeous pointed toed sandles. Darling, a must have to any dark lords wardrobe. But now we must get to the matter at hand. I see you've met Barry." Barry coughed something that sounded like Mighty, but probably wasn't. Draco nodded, though a few inexpertly applied curlers fell out.

"Crusio!" The dark lord let out a scream, cursing Draco, then playfully spanking him with his wand. "You must never present those to me, you must know I am unfortunatly bald." Draco collapsed on the floor, telling himself not to scream, but couldn't hold back a Micheal Jackson imitation.

"OW!"

"Now go to Barry. He shall deal with you, and teach you the tricks of the trade."

"What trade?"

"Don't worry about that, and don't be caught off gaurd if Barry spoons you. MWAHAHAHAHA!" The dark lord proceded to cough while he rooted through Draco's pockets.

Barry advanced quickly and caught Draco fast, taking his neck in his fangs, ignoring the boys girlish screams, and soon Draco stopped resisting as his lord stopped searching his pockets and started to undress, singing what sounded like "I feel like a women". As his eyelids grew heavy, he realised he was lucky he wasn't going to be awake to see his master in all his glory, and soon collapsed.

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Now you review. Yes, you know you want to. If you do, I will provide pancakes at my fan clubs next meeting. Feel free to join, it's lonley being the only member. 


	2. Chapter 2

_So I wasn't going to update this till I'd finished Sleepless Nights, but I got a review. so thank you FloraDora, for being the only one to actually like my weird story. And since I don't like to upset a fan (note to self, I have a fan!) I thought I'd post this up since it was already written. I'll post another if I get more reviews, but if I don't I'll do it after Sleepless Nights (note to you, I've finally figured out a plot for it!)_

_Now read!_

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****Chapter two**

Draco woke up aching and bruised all over, especially his ass. His memories of the night suddenly came back to him. Sexy Snape dragging him violently to his room and dressing up in the play boy bunny costume, and doing the bunny hop. Ahh what a night that was. After they had stayed up and talked about their feelings and plans for the future and . . . wait, why was he on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He promptly got up, and his trousers fell down. Immediatly turning his head to check out his ass, he saw he had been given the dark mark. His father would be so proud. In neat bold writing it said;

"**Hands off, Lord V's bitch"**

He stumbled into the lake for a bit of skinny dipping, before being grabbed by the squid for a cuddle.

"Draco seems good at starting new trends." muttered Ron, as yet another shinning pink head of curls walked past, staring at Ron's out of date platinum blond. "I may as well just go back to my old style." With a flick of his tiny wrist, and a whisper of "Infernoser", Ron's hair was once again a flaming red. In fact, it was on fire.

"Love the new look Ron, you a real hottie." Ron was soon ambushed by several Ravenclaw girls, yet Harry and Hermione failed to notice.

"Have you noticed Draco's been acting differently?" Hermione said to Harry, trying to get his attention away from a staring contest with Draco's butt. "You know, his strangely unnatural, yet alarmingly sexy pale complexion, barely going out during the day time, except for his regular cuddles with the giant squid, drinking human blood openly without being in a hardcore rock band. I can't quite figure out what's wrong with him. Do you think he's eating enough vitamins? He does have nice sharp teeth though, must be good genes." Hermionie was never as good a dentist as her parents. "It reminds me of a book I recently read, I think it was called "How to spot a vampire", though I can't think why. What do you think Harry, should I stick my abnormally large nose into other people's business just to figure out why there's something about him that I, Hermionie know-it-all, can't figure out. Or should I just find a spell that will shrink my abnormally large nose, so I can no longer stick it where it's not wanted. Or maybe I shouldn't talk so much and hear your opinion on the matter at hand?"

"Yeah, shake that thang babe!" Hermionie hit Harry. "Yeah, I mean...um...huh?"

"You can be so provocative sometimes. And I think you deserve to know how very much it upsets me, and you know what's even worse? I know you and Ron call me Pinocchio, I mean, he doesn't even know what your talking about, he just wants you to notice him. Because little does he know that he and Pinocchio have a lot in common. Did you know he was gay? Hummff. I'm going to the library." Hermionie used her foolproof scheme to get things figured out, to go to the library, pretend to study, and call some highly paid consultants for some expensive consulting. Quick as a slug on steroids, she stumbled from the great hall, as a high pitched scream interrupted the feast of breakfast. Harry looked towards Ron to find him passed out from the pain of his burns. The Ravenclaws had left in a huff after their robes had been set on fire, yelling things that sounded like "couldn't handle us", or "wannabe". Harry levitated him skillfully, having practiced after the many times he found Ron in his bed, and took him to the hospital wing, starting as many fires as he could on the way.

Draco had previously hurried to his room, as an unexpected package had arrived in his lower regions after he caught Snape eating a banana. He was just about to get down to fixing that when and owl flew into the window, and pecked his nik naks.

"Oi, stupid bird, your supposed to open your mouth first." He soon began laughing hysterically at his incredible...witty joke, and stepped on the owl. "Oh, right, lets see what it brought me." and he attempted to unstick the box from the mushy mess. As he opened his new unexpected package, the smile stretching from ear to ear suddenly shrunk like a child at Christmas when they unwrap some underwear.

"A bottle of red icky stuff! Hmm, make that red lumpy icky stuff. Is it a bloody mary?" Draco began shaking the bottle like one of those instruments you shake. A shaker.

"Dear Draco, last night was very fun, and I love what you did with my make-up. Meet us again tonight. Drink that potion, you'll find out what it's for when we meet again, (tonight, if you forgot already).

P.S. Bring that leather G-string. Anything Snape can enjoy, I can enjoy better."

Draco downed the now bubbling potion in one long, dribbling glug, coughing as the strawberry tasting goop went down his lungs by mistake. He then decided to take off his clothes and flex till his next lesson, where he shall conveniently forget about his nakedness. Snape would love that, its double potions with the Griffindors next. Wondering what "punishment" he would receive, Draco pleasantly day dreamed of Snape and his whips and chains and teddys. Meanwhile, a cupboard's coughed went unnoticed.


	3. Chapter 3

_So I know I said I wouldn't do anymore updates for this till I'd finished Sleepless Nights, but I got more reviews. They are seriously like a drug. I'm addicted. Plus this story is so damn fun. I wont abandon Sleepless Nights, but just take a break. I also have to figure out where I want this story to go. Possibly Spain. I could use a tan. Now here's something I've always wanted to do. Review Response!_

_**FloraDora - Your review made me laugh! Mostly since you spent half the time saying bye, but also cause you liked it. Thanks for being my first reviewer. Hope you like this chapter.**_

**_Harleythekat - How did you know I love German? Das ist titten! Thankyou for being my first stalker! And I'm proud to give you laughs._**

**_Sbkar - Delectable derriere?I quite like that. Once again, I am proud to provide laughs, and I'm glad my partial insanity provides entertainment for those freaks out there that have the same humour as me. Yes, humour with a capital HUM!_**

_That over, you can read, review and wish me a happy birthday. How nice am I to update on my B-Day?_

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****Chapter three**

"I trust you came alone?" Just the sound of the unfortunately bald man's voice made the young man tingle in anticipation. He knew if he didn't get what he needed soon, he'd go mad. He started drumming his fingers on his leg as his restraint failed. He nodded slowly.

"And I also trust you brought the extra cheese?"

"Yeah, but that'll cost extra. Now I'll need my money." The pizza boy was getting impatient.

"Fine, but just because I can't resist a Domino's Deal." Reluctantly the Lord handed over the money, but not before kissing it goodbye, and prepared his feast with Barry. But before they could begin, a shadow leapt from the bushes, and hit a tree.

"Ahh, Draco, you didn't chip in for the pizza, so you don't get any. Later I want you to strip naked and be a table, but first you must hear the plan of action." Draco grunted, and slowly unstuck his face from the tree.

"As you know, my life goal has been to kill the evil Harry Potter, and to break this connection since we don't want him seeing our meetings, and I don't want to see his and the red heads "meetings". I have decided I want you to bring him to the forest so I can torment him while you drink his blood." At this statement, a deep long of confusion appeared on Draco's pale face. "You're a vampire boy, that's why you crave human blood. Don't tell me you didn't notice?"

"But how can I kill Harry when he has such a cute butt?" remarked an appalled Draco, yet the Lord could see him getting more and more worried about the pizza every second.

"I guess if you can't do it out of love for you're Lord, then you will have to take a hypno potion. But after he has met his doom, and I have power once again, you Draco, shall be my bitch... I mean second in command." Draco seemed pleased about this, but deep down, very deep down, he preferred the first option. "Now bring out that G-string boy!"

Hermionie watched the secret meeting in wide mouthed (and long nosed) horror from behind a tree. They must have had bad security, if both she and the pizza boy had found them so easily. She had conveniently told Colin, and he had turned up with a camera, a microwave, an extension cord and some microwavable popcorn. Luckily Voldermort had always been listening to himself talk when they started eating it, and by the end, everyone was all screaming, either in horror or pleasure, and Colin was frantically snapping pics, going right up next to them. Hermionie worried that he might try and join in soon, and dragged him back a bit, and he thought he was making a move on him, and jumped on her in a frantic frenzy. Poor Hermionie.

"So, do I really have a cute butt?" inquired Harry the next morning. His fellow members of the Golden Trio failed to notice as Ron proceeded to wax his now very reflective head.

"Oh please, I wish you'd let me grow it back. The shine could easily blind someone poor passers by. And it's only a simple spell, just a quick wave of my pretty pink wand, and WHOOSH! You'll be a normal hairy boy again. Or I could let you have it like mine. We could be twins! Since it's very sad being brought up as an only child with an abnormal, yet useful for hiding my buckteeth, nose. But you do already have a sister. But that can be sorted with one phone call, wait here, my assassin is on speed dial. This will be great!" Hermionie complained loudly.

"No way, the slap head style will come back any day now, but till then, I need to keep it polished up, in case some cute butted boy... I mean girl wants to check his hair." He gazed longingly at Harry, who had come over to check his butt on Ron's head. They both looked pleased with themselves, but attempted not to let the other notice. Hermionie looked bored and pouted.

"You two are so unobservant!" and stormed off to the girls dorm, hitting a first year with her ever growing nose as she went past.

Draco woke up quite upset when he remembered he had to kill Harry, the boy who he secretly, yet obviously loved. He hoped that due to the connection between him and Voldie, Harry would fuck like a younger, slightly scrawnier Voldermort. Though he wondered about his lap weasel, knowing it had often and as obviously as he been searching for Harry's affection. And what was with all the new hair styles? Who did he think he was, David Beckham? Draco was soon wondering where he had heard of all the muggle things and fell back to into a deep slumber.

"Wormy, pass me that love potion so I can slip it into Snape's drink when he comes." Wormtail knew he shouldn't argue, but he couldn't bare the thought of his lord and sex god with another man. Maybe a house elf, but never a man. He was so deep in thought about sexy young Dobby, Voldermort grew impatient.

"Accio Whip!" But sadly, Voldermort soon remembered that this punishment was never very successful on the rat.

"Sir, there is only a hypno potion and a picture of a little girl sir."

"How dare you. That is Draco, my lovable sex kitten. But I shall punish you later." Wormtail looked very pleased with himself. "So, if there's no love potion, Draco must have had that. Oh well."

"Sir, vampires can't consume love potion's, there have been unfortunate side effects, such as extreme penis enlargement and a tendency to sing "I'm a little teapot" at the most inconvenient of times." stuttered Wormtail.

"Good, that's my favorite song, we'll have a kariokie night! Make the invitations while I warm up. Doh rah me fah so..." Wormtail proceeded to enchant some marshmallows into earplugs and mix drinks. It was going to be a long night.

Draco woke up quite upset yet again when a pigeon flew in his commonly open window and attempted to eat his fading pink locks, presumably thinking they were marshmallows.

"Damn you, go away. I was having a lovely dream about a certain cute butted boy who's name I must never mention for fear of becoming an outcast among the Slytherins. Ohh, a letter. Hmm, kariokie tonight, bring your abnormal side effects? What the hell does that mean? Goyle! Where have you been since the start of term? I've been needing one of those late night talks, where we can settle out of feelings and stuff."

"I bin in da cupboard boss, Crabbe bin acting a bit odd an chasin me sayin stof like how iz not gonna run hide or escape is love in a song. I bin hiding for so long, I can barly stand the sun boss. An my talkin as gone phunny. Tink I shud get speeech ferapy?" Golyle's long speech of the last few months happenings took another half hour or so before he had control over his blubbering and the light. Draco looked at his follower and doubted his power.

"Don't worry Goyley, the big scary Crabbe has gone and you are my one and only. You can come kariokying with me tonight, we could sing a song about evil old Crabbe!" This cheered Goyle up and he soon began dancing and picking out his outfit. Pink, to match his master and show how loyal he was.

Dobby was walking patiently through the forest, showing off his freedom against all, and his figure in his new leather cat suit (specially made with tassels) when he heard what sounded like the mating call of the killer whale. This sound was music to the young house elf, who was a big fan of inter species breeding (something he had in common with Hermionie, hint hint.) He dashed forward as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, making squeaky noises as the leather on his large thighs rubbed together vigorously. About an hour later he had reached the party (his legs aren't very long) and was hot and sweaty from his exercise, and had a sexy sheen to his green skin (hehe green sheen). He was greeted with the final part of Lord Voldermort's deatheater meeting, where they would discuss the plan and spank who ever fell asleep.

"Right, this has been an enchanting evening, and I wish to announce, that Draco, you shall bring Harry Potter to the forest for a bit of mischief tomorrow night. Say it's a damsel in distress, Wormtail shall be the damsel, and I'll be the distress in a dress. Now, be gone before I have to bring out some lubricant boy!" Voldermort took one last look at his army of pink cloaked minions, turned on his heel, fell down, and fell asleep. Wormtail proceeded to go and cuddle him, and glare at Draco. Dobby let out a gasp!

"Misters Harrys Potters shalls bes killeds Is says. Thats shalls distresss mys damsels. Ohhs I'ves beens heres toos longs, I'ms startings tos talks likes ems." Dobby let out a surprisingly deep shriek and fled the forest, in search of a toilet. Oh yeah, and Harry.

"Wakes ups masters Potters. Theres beings as prettys girlys boys outs tos gets yous." Dobby began violently shaking Harry, taking his chance to touch special parts.

"Dobby, let go of my nose, that hurts. What are you talking about. Have you been having nightmares again, climb in."

"Nos, thoughs I'lls climbs ins anyways. Buts thats pinks haireds boys is tryings tos kills yous." Dobby began telling in detail all that he had witnessed in the forest.

"Oh my god. He's trying to kill me? And did you have to tell me about your trip to the toilet."

"Buts it's alls importants masters." Dobby looked up at the big green eyes of Harry, and realized, why was he here when he could be with his love.

"Well, I hope my, and I quote, "cute butt" can protect me from the other one with a cute butt." Harry proceeded to fantasize about Draco, until Dobby slapped him. "Right, now we need a plan, go get Hermionie." Dobby got very excited and ran away fast.

"Dobby, not now, all the girls are in here." Hermionie slapped Dobby on his over large head.

"Buts its Harrys Pot.." Dobby suddenly started choking on some phleme.

"Who stole Harry's pot, Dobby, was it Ron, he'll do anything to be cool. Where is he anyway?"

"Nos, follows mes." Dobby led Hermionie by the hand towards the boys dorm, and into Harry's bed.

"Hermionie, Dobby, you didn't have to come under the covers, but any way. Dobby tells me Draco is out to get me on Voldermort's orders, and we need to foil him. And before you mention it, we won't kill Draco, he thinks my butt is cute." Hermionie huffed at this.


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm really sorry that this one is so short. I've got a serious case of writers block. So far my efforts to cure me have just resulted in me eating a lot of sugar packets and listening to loud music. And for some reason sugar rush and adrenaline don't help me write. Helped me draw a bit though, but you don't care about that. Any way, I've run out of sugar now. Plus, it's probably really bad for me. If I can't come up with something for the next chapter, how about I just type a script off some tv show and change the names?_

_Now have an avocado._

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**Chapter 4**

By morning the plan was all set. Harry had spent a while telling Hermionie he shouldn't do the hero storming the enemy thing, which he was so commonly blamed for.

"But Harry, it's your image, you go and just blindly attack Voldermort, risking your life, while I stand off and sell merchandise, and try to round up some cheerleaders. You really should thank me."

"Ron doesn't count as a cheerleader." Ron's smile fell from his face. Damn that unlicensed surgeon.

"Ok, well, Voldermort would think you were going to try something new, if he thinks you know about it, and not expect this."

"But he might think I was double bluffing."

"Or, he'll just kill Harry anyway." Ron had started feeling left out of the conversation, and thought this would get his beloveds attention again. It didn't.

"Fine, I've got a new plan." Hermionie gestured that they lean in closer, and began whispering quietly so you could only distinguish certain random words. "Whisper whisper Dumbledore whisper big whisper penis whisper shatter."

"Hermionie, how do you know we'll see his penis?" More whispering. "Eww, I'm not doing that." Whispered death threats. "Ok, when you put it like that."

Draco sat on his bed. Something wasn't right. This was the third time he had woken up singing, and his house mates were starting to throw things at him. Mostly cuddly toys, but they had the odd chain and whip too. Well, Slytherins are famous for being the kinkiest house. He quickly stored them away in his trunk before going down to breakfast. He needed all the strength he could get to muster up all the strength he can get to salvage all the strength he (I think you get the point) to dare lure Harry's cute butt (not to mention the rest of him) into the forest tonight. Plus, today was pancake day.

Ron was lying face down in his breakfast again while Hermionie argued with Harry, peacefully fantasizing about himself and Harry getting married. Well, he would be if Harry's crying didn't wake him up.

"But 'Mionie, why do you have to be so mean?" he sobbed while subconsciously reaching for Ron's hand under the table for some much needed comfort.

"All I said was you should call me something cool like Flirtatious G, or Hormionie Grander? 'Mionie is so boring."

"But the fun thing is we can call you Her Royal 'Mionie the Queen. How about we move onto the artist formally known as 'Mionie. Every one likes to laugh at people changing their name in an effort to be cool."

"Oh, you can talk about being cool, Ron!" 'Mionie/Flirtatious G huffed as Ron managed to butt into the conversation. (Trust me, I really don't have a butt fetish). Harry sat in the corner and cried.

"Hey Ron, how did Harry find a corner while still sitting at the table here in the great hall? Is some evil afoot?"

"What, an evil foot! Fear not Harry, I will save you! But first, does this foot have any secret powers, like Extreme Athletes Foot? Or Fun Fun Fungus?"

"Ron, have you been preparing your conversations again?"

"Yeah, look, I have the script all prepared. Next I want you to give me an excuse to pick up Harry and carry him to safety."

Harry, who having previously walked back to the conversation after hearing his name, looked puzzled at this. "Huh?"

"Oh Harry. You and Ron are so infrequent. Now. Do we have the plan ready?"

"Yes, I pick up Harry and carry him to the bedroom..."

"No, the other plan. Never mention that plan again."

"Fine." And they all sat in a little circle and proceeded to snort their sugar. Much muttering and sneezing could be heard from the group.


End file.
